I just had the biggest binge that I’ve had in months and I’m fighting so hard to not purge but it’s so hard all I want to do is cry.

My upper body used to be amazing 4 years ago.

My arms were thin, I was so thin that my stomach was concave and I had no muffin top the only thing I hated more than anything was that my legs were thick and fat now I have I’m left with a fat stomach, fat arms, the biggest muffin top ever and even thicker legs if I thought I hated my body before I hate it even more now.

My stomach feels awful. I feel like it’s going to burst and it’s horrible. I haven’t eaten much today either so I don’t understand. This is why I hate eating I don’t have this problem when I don’t. My stomach has been like this since last night.

I can just feel the failure radiating off of me. What if I don’t get accepted into a college because I’m so fucking stupid and wasted my time drinking and smoking? God I’m a fucking idiot and all I do is stuff my fat ass face. Today was the first time I purged in so long, I don’t even remember when the last time was. I forgot how good it felt and how perfect yet worthless I feel afterward. I don’t want to eat ever again. Every bite I take I only get wider and wider. I don’t fit into my clothes anymore. I don’t feel good about myself around anyone, not even myself. I hate my own reflection. I hate everything about myself. Even if I try my hardest I can’t make it. I’m going to start the ABC diet and no one can stop me but it’s not like I will do it for long because I can’t even starve myself right. I just want to cut all the fat off of myself. I barely see the only person I like anymore and when we see each other it almost always has an argument somewhere in the day. I just wish I didn’t exist.

I can’t look at myself in the mirror or a picture of myself without bursting into tears.

Pathetic.

I’m a lot fatter now than I was 2 weeks ago.

I’m a lot fatter now than I was yesterday.

I’m a lot fatter now than I ever thought was possible.

Disgusting.

I want cinnamon buns but I started a liquid diet today.

All my problems are because of food.

I want to just puke out everything I’ver ever eaten.

I never want to see it, smell it, or taste it ever again.

I’m done with food.

I’m never eating again.

Ever.

I’m so fucking fat

I look at myself and I’m a whale

How could I have let myself get to this point?

It’s fucking disgusting

I disgust myself

I can’t stand to look in the mirror

I don’t even want to go in public because I don’t want people to look at me

How could I even think of eating at the size that I’m at?

Twisted Reality (my poem for spoken word in drama class, what do you think?)

How naïve was I to think something real would come of this

Being hurt more than your first heartbreak

Eating away at you without restrictions

Ashamed of this, I want no one to know

But it is reality and everyone needs to open their eyes.

A competition against my health and willpower

She’s starving, hungry for approval

Never good enough is what they whisper

She cries and begs wishing to be released from the internal struggle

The number she sees never pleasing her

Her reflection still there

A frail body not wanting to be touched

Disgusted by oneself, shamed and believing she deserves this hell

But no one deserves this

Her lies perfected, her mind distorted

She cleanses herself of all impurities as

She prays before the porcelain god

All her time is spent counting, calculating, and thinking

Counting her calories

Calculating her next exercise routine

Thinking about whether she is worthy enough to even have a fleeting thought about eating

Smoking cigarettes on the corner

Drinking her cream less, sugarless coffee for some energy

The energy to then go and spill her stomachs content into the toilet bowl

All she wanted was control

Some control over her life, but now it controls her

Making her weak

Convincing her that release comes with the prettiness, the thinness

But it lied to her

You will never be thin enough, or pretty enough for anyone

“Don’t you see,” the voices tell her “you’re still fat.”

Everyday is a risk of having a heart attack

Everyday is pushing those who love you away

She feels failure course through her is her stomach growls

Food is forbidden

Saying “I’m hungry” becomes a Taboo

Having some fat means you are fat

There is no good enough number

Every number seems too big

She wants to se what she feels, nothing

Her addiction feeding on her lost ambition

She cries out wishing to regain her old self

The one who was healthy and never faked smiles

The one who controlled her life and desires

Instead they now have taken a hold of her, destroyed her

They judge her as harshly as she judges herself

“When will I escape this hell?” She asks

Replied only by the bile rising in her throat

It becomes uncontrollable; you’ve lost your life

She looks in the mirror grabbing on her skin, not satisfied with what shows

She looks in the mirror searching for her humanity

She looks in the mirror and she sees fat, you see bones

She looks in the mirror and I see myself

It’s ok.

I don’t need food.

Purged for the third day in a row.

It’s feels great to have some blood along with it.

*sigh*

I’m so full it hurts

I NEED to purge asap

I need to be happy with myself before I can attempt to make others happy.

Question is when will I ever be happy with myself?

I hold so much self-hatred it’s impossible for me to look into the mirror and not judge myself, not point out my flaws and when I look for something I like in myself I find nothing. I’m sick. I admit it but I don’t want help. My personality is also shit.

Maybe making others happy is the only thing I’m good at…but then again I’ve fucked up many things so I don’t even think that’s it.

Massive stomach cramps and chest tightening

didn’t go to school today. I don’t even know the reason to this pain.

woke up feeling horrible and I don’t feel much better but w.e.

I missed a class assignment for drama(which i can’t make up) and a test for english

This ed is always in the way

I wanted to go to school because I am probably going to fail drama for missing this but my mom made me stay home.

I hope I am much better by the end of the day

Good news about this is I might get thai food which is my absolute favorite food ever.

If anyone knows what those symptoms mean please tell me.